Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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