we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
