Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
