I smell stomach acid.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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