I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
