She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
