I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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