honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
