I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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