Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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