i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
