iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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