Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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