my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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