Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
