Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
