I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
