recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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