There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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