you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
