Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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