everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
