There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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