eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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