All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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