Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
