I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
