fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
