I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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