Hey man sorry I got all grabby
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
