I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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