Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I will be naked everywhere
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
