i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
