I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
