I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
