I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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