what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
