God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
