I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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