I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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