And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
When did angry sex become our thing?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
