I'm going to jail i love you
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
