Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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