do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock