I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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