You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
