If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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