hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
