i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
