I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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