so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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