He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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